You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
