Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
