first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
