I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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