i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize