How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
