i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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