don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i came on her dog
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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