I faked an abortion last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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