How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
