Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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