i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
