You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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