I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
