you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
