I wish my penis had an off switch
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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