You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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