I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
