U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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