filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
