he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
