update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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