dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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