My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
