Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Someone signed my nipple.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
