I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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