I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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