shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
