I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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