considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
