did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
