And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
