he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
