No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
