Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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