Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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