Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
