Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
