He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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