You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So vagazzling was a success
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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