God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
