i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
