Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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