I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
