SEEEEXXX PLEASE
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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