I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
