matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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