so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
