Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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