you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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