I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
