were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
