Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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