1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
