True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
