just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
