I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
